Five Principles That Will Provide You with Greater Clarity, Peace, and Empowerment when Dealing with the Effects of Intimate Partner Betrayal
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the thing I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
In my Episcopal tradition, “God” is the one who guides us and is our source of love, wisdom, compassion, and guidance. You may have a different source you rely upon in your life or tradition and can change the prayer to align with your understanding. Often these are the words I say when I find myself facing either a large crisis, or routine uncertainty. The simple wisdom of these words usually guides me into greater clarity, peace, and empowerment--helping me release myself from the emotional burden of taking ownership for something that isn’t mine to own. I'm also better able to see what my part in a situation is and therefore identify my own responsibilities and options for action or self-care. There’s a peace and freedom in releasing the things that are not my responsibility to the care of God and energy is freed up in my mind and spirit to better understand my feelings, wants, needs, and ultimately actions.
The pain of intimate partner betrayal initially makes it challenging to possess “the wisdom to know the difference” between the things you bear responsibility for and the things that really aren’t yours to manage or own. These 5 Principles can help you create greater clarity, peace and empowerment as you make decisions on how to best care for yourself. I call them the “5 C’s of Dealing with a Loved One’s Addiction”.
1. I didn’t CAUSE this.
Addicts and those struggling with problematic compulsive sexual behaviors often blame their partner for their behaviors. No matter what your spouse or significant other says, you are not responsible in any way for their choices, struggles, or addiction. They didn’t betray you because “you’re not sexy enough”, “pretty enough”, “you’re too focused on the kids”, “you’re always angry at me”, and so on. Stand firm and don’t buy the blame shifting. Your spouse’s betrayal is about them, not you and you did not cause it.
2. I can’t CONTROL this.
It’s natural in a crisis to want to help the person you love stop their behaviors and to be honest with you about the nature of their struggles. Stepping in to try and control the insanity of the situation can feel almost like an automatic way of protecting yourself (and children) from further pain and deception. But no human being can truly control another person. Attempting to control another only provides temporary relief and an illusion of power. The only person you can control is yourself. To illustrate this, I ask my clients to imagine that their spouse or loved one has fallen down a dark well and can’t get out. They may even be crying out to you for help. I can give them advice about how to get out of the well, but they must be the ones to climb out. I can even extend my hand to them and attempt to pull them out if they don’t want to get out. With addiction, extending that hand by yourself to pull them out, especially against their will, can result in you being sucked right into the well with them. I ask my clients to imagine letting their loved one’s hand go and running to get help from others instead. Helping yourself may be the most powerful thing you’ll ever do to help your loved one.
3. I can’t CURE this.
Like point 2, as much as you may love someone, you cannot heal them or manage the crisis of betrayal by yourself. One of the most painful things my clients describe is the pain, confusion, and swirl of seemingly opposite emotions that occur when the person you love and trusted is the one who betrayed you. Consider if your spouse or loved one had a serious disease such as cancer or heart disease. Never would you be the one to attempt to treat it on your own. Oncologists and cardiologists attend school and learn for years. Addiction is a serious illness best diagnosed and treated by trained clinicians.
4. I need CARE.
It’s unlikely you will feel better or have the healing you deserve if the addicted spouse is the only one getting care. Your spouse may even be trying to blame or control you or shape your perception of the situation. It’s common for the sexually compulsive partner to make promises and apologies. I’ve tragically seen partners mislead you into a false sense of security because they’ve relied on their spouses promises rather than taking the hard step of getting care for themselves. Partners who have experienced intimate betrayal need their own specialized care from trauma-informed professionals trained in helping betrayed partners. I have a network of clinicians locally in the New York City area that I refer clients to. I also have connections with APSAT clinicians throughout the country and can refer you to someone in your own area if possible.
As a certified professional coach, pastoral care specialist, APSATS trained coach candidate, I provide non-clinical support services to betrayed partners during all phases of healing and support partners in making empowered choices about their healing. The number one question I’m asked is, “Why do I need care if he/she is the one with the problem?” A great way to understand the need for partner specific care is the analogy of a car crash. If you were minding your own business driving down the road and a speeding car suddenly smashed into you, that reckless driver would be at fault. Even though the accident wasn’t your fault, it’s your responsibility to get care for your injuries. As unfair as it is, your injuries from the accident can’t heal if the responsible driver is the only one who gets care. Whether or not you intend to stay with your spouse or loved one, your pain is real and betrayal trauma can produce an actual injury to your brain, body, mind, and spirit. You deserve appropriate care and support to heal.
5. I have CHOICES.
Coaching is a powerful modality for identifying, sorting through, and ultimately choosing what your need for yourself, both in the short term and long term. I help my clients identify personal strengths and resources and build upon those strengths to have clarity to know what you want and need to feel safe again and heal from the pain of betrayal. One Braver Life Coaching is a safe space and I honor and listen deeply to your unique experiences, and support you in claiming your personal power. There are many practical skills we can work together on so you feel supported, clear, and capable to set boundaries, nurture yourself, manage trauma symptoms, and enhance your daily life as you grieve, learn, grow, and heal. There is a brave space between the life you planned and the life you’re living. I believe in you and would be honored to walk with you to help you claim that brave space and consciously create a life you choose and want—a conscious life is a braver life.