Guided Disclosure: A First Step to Restoring Safety and Integrity to Your Relationship
Is it just me, or does cheating seem to be everywhere in our culture? Whether it’s fictionalized in a movie, a television drama, or a real-life scandal involving a celebrity or politician, it feels like we hear about it all the time. While we may find ourselves entertained or drawn to the gossip when it involves someone famous, we can be sure that there’s often heartache and pain there behind the headlines, even if we don’t get to watch it play out after the news cycle shifts. It’s certainly not something we expect to experience in our ownrelationships. Yet it’s not at all uncommon.
If you’re reading this because you’ve been personally impacted by betrayal and are trying to figure out how to go about rebuilding your life – or even your relationship-- I want you to know I honor your pain. I respect the courage it takes to seek help, and I want to assure you that betrayal doesn’t have to define your life story. With willingness, determination, perseverance, and support, healing is possible, and it may even be possible to heal your relationship if that’s what you both want.
But first, as world renowned grief expert Dr. Alan Wolfert says, “We must say hello” and we must befriend the darkness.” Cheating-- especially if there is serial infidelity, underlying sexual addiction or other covert sexual behaviors—creates a relationship-defining crisis. It’s the sort of event that divides life into a “before” and “after”. I believe this is what Dr. Wolfert refers to when he tells us to “say hello” to grief and to “befriend the darkness”.
To “say hello” to grief means to begin to acknowledge the serious reality of what we’re facing. In the case of sexual betrayal, guided disclosure--- specifically Caudill and Drake’s Restoring Truth Model (RTM) --- offers a way forward. This approach allows us to address the devastation, loss, and pain of betrayal and to disclose the full truth of reality clearly using a method that is emotionally safe, trauma-focused, responsible, evidence-based, and honoring of both participants in the disclosure process.
In my six years as a coach, I’ve witnessed firsthand the immense pain, sense of rejection, loss, and confusion caused by sexual betrayal. Yet I’ve also had the privilege of seeing individuals – and couples -- create satisfying, conscious lives when they commit to a depth of work beyond just pain relief. Working with highly trained, skilled professionals to get the right care is crucial. But it’s equally important to persevere with grit, courage, determination, willingness, and resilience to create safety and clarity. Safety and clarity form the foundation that allows us to heal, grieve, mourn, and ultimately grow.
That’s why as a certified recovery disclosure guide, I exclusively use the Restoring Truth Model (RTM) to prepare betrayed partners to receive their disclosure on their terms and to support those who have committed betrayal in creating a well laid-out, honest and thorough disclosure document. The RTM is holistic: it supports body, mind, and spirit of the discloser and the person receiving disclosure, with deep sensitivity and attention to their unique needs.
Although I work with clients from diverse backgrounds, my primary focus and passion lie in supporting betrayed women. I’ve found the most effective way to help my betrayed clients is by helping them through the clear, validating, evidence-based, structured exercises of Full Disclosure: Seeking the Truth After Sexual Betrayal Volume Two for Betrayed Partners: Preparing for Disclosure on Your Terms by Janice Caudill, PHD, CSAT-S, CCPS-S, PRT, SEP, IAT, PBTT and Dan Drake, LMFT, LPCC, CCPS-S, CSAT-S.
I appreciate that not every client wants to work every exercise. Trauma can make it hard to focus or write and some people just don’t like workbooks. Whatever your situation, I’ll meet you where you’re at. Together we will find a healing routine and pace of work that helps you function better in daily life, manage the agony of waiting for disclosure, create safety for yourself and if necessary, for your children. We’ll also work on lessening trauma symptoms so your body feels better, and you can care for yourself with greater clarity.
As Dr. Caudill and Dan Drake note, regulating the nervous system is like exercising a muscle. It’s challenging, especially if it’s a new skill for you that you’re learning in the middle of a traumatic betrayal crisis. That’s why good support is vital. Many of my clients find the first-person anonymous accounts in the guidebook from real partners who’ve gone through their own guided disclosures using the RTM incredibly validating and helpful.
As your recovery disclosure guide, I’ll be by your side every step of the way, empowering you throughout the entire disclosure process-- from preparation to the “Rite of Truth” ceremony itself, and beyond. Using the RTM, we’ll work together to help you begin to bring your intuition back online, so you will clearly be able to identify what you need for your disclosure. You’ll be able to determine which questions you need to ask and explore the role of polygraphy. At every choice point, I’ll support you, so you feel honored, seen, and capable in your process.
The structure of the workbook also allows clients to complete some of the work in between sessions, which can be a financial savings. And even if your spouse’s guide is unfamiliar with the RTM, I’m trained and skilled to manage communications and create a win-win disclosure process for both of you, easing some of your stress so you can focus on healing and implementing the tools and concepts you’re learning.
I’d be honored to offer you for a complimentary 30-minute session where we can discuss your unique situation and you can see if my approach, skills, and style are a good fit for you. You can schedule that here: https://live.vcita.com/site/bl00xrcg6mitdviu/online-scheduling?service=up9rify3svpbi4gv